Last updated: 07 February 2008

If you suspect or know that a family member, friend or colleague is experiencing domestic abuse then the information below will help you to be supportive.  It is important to bear in mind that domestic violence is a crime and unacceptable.  The victim is not to blame and has the right to live without fear of abuse. 

Support

• Be understanding.  Help them to open up and talk, but at their pace.  It is important that you believe what they tell you.

• Be supportive.  Do not judge them but reassure them that it is not their fault and that no one deserves to be treated badly.  It may be that they do not recognise that they are in an abusive relationship; therefore it is important to be patient and assure them that you will be there for them.

• Help to build their self-esteem.  Do not criticise them for staying in the relationship or tell them what to do.  Point out their strengths and remind them of how well they are coping.  Often abused people feel very isolated; make sure you help them to keep in contact with others.

• Help them to work out a safety plan.  It is important that the victim decides what is safe and what is not

• Do not tell them to leave or judge them if they want to stay.  The most dangerous period is when someone is about to or has left an abusive partner.  It is important that the victim makes his or her own decision about whether or not to leave. It takes a lot of courage. If they do wish to, then encourage them to contact a local domestic violence agency for support and information. 

• Look after yourself.  Do not offer to speak to the abuser or put yourself in a dangerous position.  Seek advice from domestic violence agencies. 

Safety Plan

It is important that the victim of abuse and any children are kept safe.  Below is a list of ways to help them achieve this. 

• Encourage the victim to develop his or her own safety plan.

• Offer to keep a set of spare keys, an overnight bag and a set of clothing for the victim and any children in case they need to leave their home quickly

• Offer to keep important documents such as passports, birth certificates, driving license and bank details.  If they cannot leave you the originals then copies would do.

• Agree a code word that only the two of you know, that would signal an emergency situation in case the victim cannot get help themselves.

• It is not the children’s responsibility to protect their parent.  If there is a violent incident the children should dial 999 or call an agreed person.

• Find out information and contact details of support agencies in your area.  You will find a directory of services on this website for local and national agencies.